I'm mildly neurotic. Okay, not mildly. I need everything a certain way or I can't stop obsessing over it. Oh, obsessing. Another thing I do. I can't help it. Once I get an idea in my head I am just 100% dedicated. I jump right in and it becomes life or death. Wait, I was talking about how neurotic I am. I like things just so. I will lay in bed and worry about the most random things that I didn't do that day. Big things. Little things. Doesn't matter. When I wake up in the morning the first thing I do is go around the house and look for things out of order and fix them. I already know what they are though bc when I went to bed the night before I was aware of them.
I need a switch off button for my brain.
Isn't it amazing how every single day we have an opportunity to be a better version of ourselves? Like maybe tomorrow I will wake up and will no longer tuck my hair behind my ears when I am nervous. Or maybe I won't have a slight lisp on words that begin with S. Oooo, maybe I will finally make the perfect pancakes, which for some annoying reason totally eludes me.
I could finally sign up for some art classes that I have wanted to take for a long time. Maybe I can learn how to say I love you in 10 different languages. Why 10? Why not?
Or you know, I could schedule a visit to see my family. Maybe call my father's family and tell them I am thinking about them. I could call my best friend and catch up with her.
I will try not to pull my sweater sleeves over my hands when I become nervous or tap my fingertips lightly against my head when I am thinking or making a decision about something serious.
Maybe I will dedicate my entire day to my husband and letting him know how much I love him. He should know already though since I spent most of today serenading him with ridiculous songs. It wasn't pretty but I am sure it is the thought that counts. Oh, I can sign up for singing lessons!
Or maybe I will fix some wrongs. Yeah. I can fix some wrongs.
Really though, what I want to do...what I should do is just be thankful for 2011 and while I had really low lows, I had beautiful highs. I laughed so much. I loved and was loved. Adored really. I lost some friends but I learned who my real friends were. I fell in love over and over again with the most wonderful man. I grew closer to my family. I reconnected with beloved friends. I was told that my life span was going to be 35-55% shorter than people without some of my health issues and I made peace with it but only because I refuse to believe it. I lost my birth father but I learned that I am capable of unconditional love and that real love lasts - death be damned. I made a lot of mistakes but I learned from them. I paid the price for them. I took easy roads and really, really tough roads. I did a lot this year. I loved a lot this year. I learned the hard way that life is fleeting and to love good and often. I tried to do the right things, fix my wrongs. I am learning how to live with consequences of my actions. I am learning. I am.
2011 was a tough one, but well..I was tougher <3.
love, Romy
Friday, December 30, 2011
Sunday, December 25, 2011
Your First Christmas in Heaven
Merry Christmas, I pray you are looking down on me from heaven with a big, beautiful smile on your face. I love you.
I am having my first Christmas in Heaven
A glorious, wonderful day!
I am standing with saints of all ages,
Who found Christ, the truth and the way
I am singing with the heavenly choir
I- who so loved to sing!
And, oh what celestial music
We bring to our Savior and King
I am singing the glad song of redemption,
How Jesus to Bethlehem came,
And why they called His name Jesus,
That all may be saved through His Name!
Oh, loved one, I wish you could be here!
No Christmas on earth can compare,
With all of the rapture in glory,
I witness in Heaven so fair!
You know how I always loved Christmas,
It seemed such a wonderful day,
With all of my loved ones around me,
We were so happy in every way.
Yes, now I can see why I loved it,
And, oh what a joy it will be,
When all of my loved ones are with me,
To share all the glories I see!
So, dear ones on earth, I send greetings,
Look up! Til dawning appears,
And, oh what a Christmas awaits us,
Beyond all our partings and tears!
Anonymous
I am having my first Christmas in Heaven
A glorious, wonderful day!
I am standing with saints of all ages,
Who found Christ, the truth and the way
I am singing with the heavenly choir
I- who so loved to sing!
And, oh what celestial music
We bring to our Savior and King
I am singing the glad song of redemption,
How Jesus to Bethlehem came,
And why they called His name Jesus,
That all may be saved through His Name!
Oh, loved one, I wish you could be here!
No Christmas on earth can compare,
With all of the rapture in glory,
I witness in Heaven so fair!
You know how I always loved Christmas,
It seemed such a wonderful day,
With all of my loved ones around me,
We were so happy in every way.
Yes, now I can see why I loved it,
And, oh what a joy it will be,
When all of my loved ones are with me,
To share all the glories I see!
So, dear ones on earth, I send greetings,
Look up! Til dawning appears,
And, oh what a Christmas awaits us,
Beyond all our partings and tears!
Anonymous
Friday, December 23, 2011
The Difference Is
Do you love the best you can? Fearlessly, without worries or concern for what it may do to your heart? With a childlike abandon that doesn't let you think about the possibility that one day you may ache?
Recklessly. Stupidly? Blindly?
Give your heart and do it without fear.
Me? Only way I know how to love. I love hard.
I never learn my lesson and I pray to God I never do.
love, Romy
Recklessly. Stupidly? Blindly?
Give your heart and do it without fear.
Me? Only way I know how to love. I love hard.
I never learn my lesson and I pray to God I never do.
love, Romy
Thursday, December 8, 2011
50 Ways
that moment that can change so much. that moment right before you jump. give so much of yourself. more than you can afford to lose. you say - it will be fine. it is. better thn fine. more. more. more. push/pull. push/pull. more to lose. unintended words. undeveloped story. acquired taste for a mistake. my own mistakes. idealize. escalate. escalate.
first taste. words you said. faith in you. fingertips to lips. it's still okay. unintended words. written words cannot be erased or blown away into the wind. make a fuss about little things. spin spin collect speed. laugh till you hiccup. don't speak the words you mean, speak the ones you think you should mean. say it till you think you mean it. no one. not true. you? me. tell your plan. make me understand. whisper it in my ear. i will listen. i hear all your words. impact. familiar to me. i know you by heart. i don't know you at all. stranger. uncertain method. think too much. you say too little. i write. you know i write. i know you think. too much. i know you.
so that moment before you jump. go back to that moment. would you stop if you could? me? fuck no. jump but try to keep your eyes open this time. next time? no. time's up. but it is still okay.
love, Romy
first taste. words you said. faith in you. fingertips to lips. it's still okay. unintended words. written words cannot be erased or blown away into the wind. make a fuss about little things. spin spin collect speed. laugh till you hiccup. don't speak the words you mean, speak the ones you think you should mean. say it till you think you mean it. no one. not true. you? me. tell your plan. make me understand. whisper it in my ear. i will listen. i hear all your words. impact. familiar to me. i know you by heart. i don't know you at all. stranger. uncertain method. think too much. you say too little. i write. you know i write. i know you think. too much. i know you.
so that moment before you jump. go back to that moment. would you stop if you could? me? fuck no. jump but try to keep your eyes open this time. next time? no. time's up. but it is still okay.
love, Romy
Wednesday, December 7, 2011
Imagine how the world would be
Sometimes it is okay to:
• Stay in your pjs all day and watch Lifetime
• Occasionally spend hours laughing at Youtube videos
• Have jelly beans for lunch
• Dislike someone for no other reason than you just do
• Say “because I said so” and believe 100% that it is a good enough reply
• Curse like a trucker while looking like a lady
• Believe what you want to believe, leave reality for another day
• Have an opinion that you have formed with nothing to back it up…just because and stick to it
• Be a full fledged snob about certain things
• Adamantly believe that your opinion should matter to everyone
• Once in a while spend too much money buying frivolous things online
• Order a large mocha chocolate shake when you are feeling blah
• Order a large mocha chocolate shake when you are feeling happy
• Listen to country music and know all the words *don’t judge me*
• Wish you had done certain things a bit differently in life
• Accept your faults and realize they make up who you are
• Have a broken heart
• Kiss your animals on the lips, germs be damned
• Wonder why people you don’t even know, worry about what you do
• Crawl into your husband’s/boyfriend’s lap and ask to just be held
• Have a pity party for yourself, by yourself…corner booth, by the window
• Admit you aren’t as strong as you pretend to be
• Trust everyone, regardless of naysayers or how you have been hurt in the past
• Dance around the house really badly to songs that remind you of being 16 yo
• Next time your spouse asks you what is for dinner, tell them “me” and mean it
• Know you are pretty and be proud of the person you are – that one is ALWAYS okay
• Just listen…not say a word and listen so you can hear between the lines
• Eat in bed while watching really bad movies
• Think about sex while at church
• Be snarky
• Miss him/her
• Write down whatever you are feeling, hit draft, revisit it at a later date when you are feeling better, and quickly hit delete
• Write down whatever you are feeling, hit send - send it into the universe and hope for the best
• Fake it
• Spend an entire day reading and doing nothing else
• Miss your parents, regardless of how old you are
• Explore something that scares you
• Take a break
• Get really angry over something you cannot help
• Ask God, universe, or whomever you believe in being your greater power for help and guidance
• Simply sigh instead of answer someone
• Leave a difficult situation unresolved, just walk away from it
• Drunk dial/text/email/message
• Be okay with not understanding everything about a situation, sometimes understanding just enough is just right
• Let go
• Stop in the middle of a raging fight and just kiss him/her
• Give in
• Admit that none of the songs you blog are random and each is for a reason
• Be afraid
• Say the hell with it…and just try regardless of anything but what you want
• Be selfish
• Love too much
love, Romy
• Stay in your pjs all day and watch Lifetime
• Occasionally spend hours laughing at Youtube videos
• Have jelly beans for lunch
• Dislike someone for no other reason than you just do
• Say “because I said so” and believe 100% that it is a good enough reply
• Curse like a trucker while looking like a lady
• Believe what you want to believe, leave reality for another day
• Have an opinion that you have formed with nothing to back it up…just because and stick to it
• Be a full fledged snob about certain things
• Adamantly believe that your opinion should matter to everyone
• Once in a while spend too much money buying frivolous things online
• Order a large mocha chocolate shake when you are feeling blah
• Order a large mocha chocolate shake when you are feeling happy
• Listen to country music and know all the words *don’t judge me*
• Wish you had done certain things a bit differently in life
• Accept your faults and realize they make up who you are
• Have a broken heart
• Kiss your animals on the lips, germs be damned
• Wonder why people you don’t even know, worry about what you do
• Crawl into your husband’s/boyfriend’s lap and ask to just be held
• Have a pity party for yourself, by yourself…corner booth, by the window
• Admit you aren’t as strong as you pretend to be
• Trust everyone, regardless of naysayers or how you have been hurt in the past
• Dance around the house really badly to songs that remind you of being 16 yo
• Next time your spouse asks you what is for dinner, tell them “me” and mean it
• Know you are pretty and be proud of the person you are – that one is ALWAYS okay
• Just listen…not say a word and listen so you can hear between the lines
• Eat in bed while watching really bad movies
• Think about sex while at church
• Be snarky
• Miss him/her
• Write down whatever you are feeling, hit draft, revisit it at a later date when you are feeling better, and quickly hit delete
• Write down whatever you are feeling, hit send - send it into the universe and hope for the best
• Fake it
• Spend an entire day reading and doing nothing else
• Miss your parents, regardless of how old you are
• Explore something that scares you
• Take a break
• Get really angry over something you cannot help
• Ask God, universe, or whomever you believe in being your greater power for help and guidance
• Simply sigh instead of answer someone
• Leave a difficult situation unresolved, just walk away from it
• Drunk dial/text/email/message
• Be okay with not understanding everything about a situation, sometimes understanding just enough is just right
• Let go
• Stop in the middle of a raging fight and just kiss him/her
• Give in
• Admit that none of the songs you blog are random and each is for a reason
• Be afraid
• Say the hell with it…and just try regardless of anything but what you want
• Be selfish
• Love too much
love, Romy
Monday, December 5, 2011
We Are All Stardust
I have had journals nearly my entire life. I write all my secrets in there. I can go back as far as 30 years, which is insane and really funny to read. They start out with how much I love Gilligan's Island, how my little brothers annoy me and silly things that are of the utmost importance to an 8 year old. Oh and how I was going to marry Bo Duke. Don't judge.
Around January of 1984 they cease to be funny. You see, that is when my dad died. It is heartbreaking to read all the emotions I was feeling...to read the words of a child making promises to whomever would listen to bring her father back. I would write down dreams that he was in, write letters to him, I would ask him questions...like what heaven was like, who would walk me down the aisle, could he see me, would he help me study for my spelling test and did he forgive me for hating God. When I found out my dad died is the moment I decided to hate God. It didn't bode well with the fact that I went to a Catholic school and we had to attend mass weekly. I would go because I had to and the entire time I would be so angry that I couldn't stand it. It took years for me to finally let go of the anger. My journal never judged me.
I wrote about my first crush, Brenden Allen, in much detail. Right down to the fact that he never brushed his unruly red hair and it was almost a deal breaker when he asked me to be his girlfriend. I wrote about my big move from NJ to Southern CA to live with my older sister right after my father passed away and how excited I was. I thought for sure I was going to be discovered. Pfth.
It is all there...my first kiss, first day of high school, crying over silly boys, laughing with friends, trouble I got into, teachers that were Satan, my first car, complaining about rules I could not understand, equal entries whining and adoring my sister and brother in law who raised me, friends I thought I would know forever and what college I wanted to go to. Journals followed me through my first huge heartbreak after dating someone for nearly 7 years...reading the angst I felt back then made me sad for that girl and thankful for both of us that we didn't stay together. Finishing school, first real job working as a counselor, moving from Southern CA to the east coast. Reconnecting with my mother and younger siblings. Trying so hard to fix years of absence. Reading my journals are like a travel through time.
Most importantly though are the entries from the last few years. Learning how to love another with all your heart and soul. Giving in to something bigger then I could have ever imagined. I love love reading about us in the early days of our marriage. We had a whirlwind relationship so I really didn't know all his likes and dislikes. Dinners were a hit or miss. He never complained though. He ate whatever I put in front of him. Poor guy. Our first time camping, I wore Victoria's Secret silk pjs. I wasn't trying to be all sexy, I just thought..hey they are pants..they will keep me warm. City girl. The first time we went hiking, I wore Coach boots. They ended up muddy and ruined. City girl. No matter what I do/did or how crazy I make him...every single night he tells me he loves me and we sleep touching. That of course is all written in my journal.
A blog feels like cheating. My sweet journals...the dozens that I own....will you forgive me if once in a while I share some of my secrets I tell you with my blog?
*******************
I still write in my journals, there is nothing like taking pen to paper and spending time writing things out that you would not dare say out loud. Blogging lets me open up a bit more. It takes a while for me to open up and really get to know someone. Sometimes a really long time. I am always grateful for the people who realize this and wait around for me to let my walls down.
love, Romy
Around January of 1984 they cease to be funny. You see, that is when my dad died. It is heartbreaking to read all the emotions I was feeling...to read the words of a child making promises to whomever would listen to bring her father back. I would write down dreams that he was in, write letters to him, I would ask him questions...like what heaven was like, who would walk me down the aisle, could he see me, would he help me study for my spelling test and did he forgive me for hating God. When I found out my dad died is the moment I decided to hate God. It didn't bode well with the fact that I went to a Catholic school and we had to attend mass weekly. I would go because I had to and the entire time I would be so angry that I couldn't stand it. It took years for me to finally let go of the anger. My journal never judged me.
I wrote about my first crush, Brenden Allen, in much detail. Right down to the fact that he never brushed his unruly red hair and it was almost a deal breaker when he asked me to be his girlfriend. I wrote about my big move from NJ to Southern CA to live with my older sister right after my father passed away and how excited I was. I thought for sure I was going to be discovered. Pfth.
It is all there...my first kiss, first day of high school, crying over silly boys, laughing with friends, trouble I got into, teachers that were Satan, my first car, complaining about rules I could not understand, equal entries whining and adoring my sister and brother in law who raised me, friends I thought I would know forever and what college I wanted to go to. Journals followed me through my first huge heartbreak after dating someone for nearly 7 years...reading the angst I felt back then made me sad for that girl and thankful for both of us that we didn't stay together. Finishing school, first real job working as a counselor, moving from Southern CA to the east coast. Reconnecting with my mother and younger siblings. Trying so hard to fix years of absence. Reading my journals are like a travel through time.
Most importantly though are the entries from the last few years. Learning how to love another with all your heart and soul. Giving in to something bigger then I could have ever imagined. I love love reading about us in the early days of our marriage. We had a whirlwind relationship so I really didn't know all his likes and dislikes. Dinners were a hit or miss. He never complained though. He ate whatever I put in front of him. Poor guy. Our first time camping, I wore Victoria's Secret silk pjs. I wasn't trying to be all sexy, I just thought..hey they are pants..they will keep me warm. City girl. The first time we went hiking, I wore Coach boots. They ended up muddy and ruined. City girl. No matter what I do/did or how crazy I make him...every single night he tells me he loves me and we sleep touching. That of course is all written in my journal.
A blog feels like cheating. My sweet journals...the dozens that I own....will you forgive me if once in a while I share some of my secrets I tell you with my blog?
*******************
I still write in my journals, there is nothing like taking pen to paper and spending time writing things out that you would not dare say out loud. Blogging lets me open up a bit more. It takes a while for me to open up and really get to know someone. Sometimes a really long time. I am always grateful for the people who realize this and wait around for me to let my walls down.
love, Romy
Monday, November 21, 2011
Monday, November 14, 2011
This kind of certainty comes but once in a lifetime.
Five Thoughts At 12:12 a.m.
1. I can't sleep. I went to bed but I just can't fall asleep so instead I am up watching The Bridges of Madison County. I hated this movie when I first watched it over 15 years ago because I could not get into any love story that had Meryl Streep and Clint Eastwood. *funny side note - my sister got my brother in law to take her to see this movie at the theater when it first came out by telling him it was a Clint Eastwood movie. He expected Dirty Harry and instead got a movie about a romance between two middle aged people* I didn't want to imagine anyone that old (ahem) being passionate but now that I am older, I find it more interesting. Francesca is married to a good man who adores her, has two children, a good life but yet she falls in love with another man. Over a course of 4 days a friendship evolves to a love that will last the rest of their lives even if they never see each other again. Can you carry love for that long for a person you will never see or touch again? Can you continue to face your loving spouse every single day, live your life with them while having love for another? Loving both. They continue saying that they have love you search your whole life for but she is married to a man she also loves with children she adores. So she stays with her husband. Can you make an entire life disappear to start a new one? Is it the selfish thing to stay? Or to go? I have no clue. All I know is that the consequences they must suffer are far bigger than any hurt they could cause. I think. Who knows. Watching Clint Eastwood's character standing in the rain staring at Francesca, wanting her to leave with him broke my heart. The nod and half smile telling her he understand her decision to stay was just so sad to me.
2. I wanted to have an orange today but my hands would not let me peel it. It is an incredibly hateful thing when your body betrays you. I would have cried from frustration if I thought it would help. Instead I had chips and salsa. Mmm.
3. Who knew there were so many two letter words that are acceptable to use in Words with Friends? Also, playing any game with Troy is impossible because he is a really bad winner, second only to how much or a rotten loser I am.
4. I need friends. I miss having girlfriends I can call and run around doing things with. I would love nothing more than to have someone to go get mani/pedis with, margaritas, go shopping with, gossip and just have fun with. My sister tells me that she wants to move to WA state and omg do I hope that happens. Fingers crossed. That last sentence was not an RA joke either. Ha. I am so funny at nearly 1am.
5. I've decided that yes you can love someone you never see or touch. Love is love regardless of space, time and I guess for some, even consequences.
love, Romy
1. I can't sleep. I went to bed but I just can't fall asleep so instead I am up watching The Bridges of Madison County. I hated this movie when I first watched it over 15 years ago because I could not get into any love story that had Meryl Streep and Clint Eastwood. *funny side note - my sister got my brother in law to take her to see this movie at the theater when it first came out by telling him it was a Clint Eastwood movie. He expected Dirty Harry and instead got a movie about a romance between two middle aged people* I didn't want to imagine anyone that old (ahem) being passionate but now that I am older, I find it more interesting. Francesca is married to a good man who adores her, has two children, a good life but yet she falls in love with another man. Over a course of 4 days a friendship evolves to a love that will last the rest of their lives even if they never see each other again. Can you carry love for that long for a person you will never see or touch again? Can you continue to face your loving spouse every single day, live your life with them while having love for another? Loving both. They continue saying that they have love you search your whole life for but she is married to a man she also loves with children she adores. So she stays with her husband. Can you make an entire life disappear to start a new one? Is it the selfish thing to stay? Or to go? I have no clue. All I know is that the consequences they must suffer are far bigger than any hurt they could cause. I think. Who knows. Watching Clint Eastwood's character standing in the rain staring at Francesca, wanting her to leave with him broke my heart. The nod and half smile telling her he understand her decision to stay was just so sad to me.
2. I wanted to have an orange today but my hands would not let me peel it. It is an incredibly hateful thing when your body betrays you. I would have cried from frustration if I thought it would help. Instead I had chips and salsa. Mmm.
3. Who knew there were so many two letter words that are acceptable to use in Words with Friends? Also, playing any game with Troy is impossible because he is a really bad winner, second only to how much or a rotten loser I am.
4. I need friends. I miss having girlfriends I can call and run around doing things with. I would love nothing more than to have someone to go get mani/pedis with, margaritas, go shopping with, gossip and just have fun with. My sister tells me that she wants to move to WA state and omg do I hope that happens. Fingers crossed. That last sentence was not an RA joke either. Ha. I am so funny at nearly 1am.
5. I've decided that yes you can love someone you never see or touch. Love is love regardless of space, time and I guess for some, even consequences.
love, Romy
Friday, November 11, 2011
A Tale Of Two Fathers
My biological father died late June on a plane somewhere between Texas and New Jersey. I didn't find out until he was gone for weeks that he had passed. Why? Because I was a stubborn, stubborn and now very ashamed daughter.
Our story isn't one I readily share. I will not give many details, mainly out of respect but also because it is a part of my life that is very personal. Confusing too. I don't know how to act, react, how to feel, what to say. I don't know much of anything at this point.
He loved me a lot. I found out when I was in my 20's that he was my biological father but he had been around my entire life. We looked exactly alike. There are hundreds of pictures of me at his house, of me on his lap as baby/toddler/young child, kissing him, laughing with him, with my older sisters and us. Hundreds. Most of the pictures of him and I, I am looking right at him. I would ask him, "why do you look like me!". He would say in his beautiful speaking voice, "because when you love someone with all your heart, you start to resemble each other". I would laugh and continue to touch his face that was identical to my own. Same lips, same beauty marks, same nose, same eyes, same feet, same hands and even the way we stand. Straight back, head up and looking like there was always purpose to be in that exact spot. He would walk into any room and it would light up. He had a smile that was infectious, everyone says that we have the same smile. I like to think it is true. I adored him. Until I found out he was my biological father. To be honest I think I figured it out a long time before then. Why else the outpouring of unconditional love from a man who was just a family friend? Why did he love my sisters so much? Which btw, they were not his children. The moment I found out he was my biological father something inside me switched off. I felt betrayed. Cheated. What about my beloved father that I grieve and miss daily? What about him? Is he in heaven feeling like I am betraying him? I was lost. There were so many other factors involved that left me reeling. It was too much to absorb so I retreated.
We spoke a few times a year, I would visit him when I was in town, he would write me letters and always tell me how much he loved me. My entire life he would call me honeydew, my pretty, mi nina linda and Romita. I loved him. I loved him more than I thought I did. The last few days I realized that loving him was not a betrayal to anyone. Our situation hurt him even more than it did me. I was too selfish to realize it. He lived knowing he had a daughter that he loved more than anything else in the world and she refused to accept him as her father. Once I found out who he really was, I stopped calling him by any name. Prior to that I called him Tio, which is Spanish for uncle. Once I knew he was my father, I didn't call him anything. I was an asshole. What would it have cost me to call him dad? Nothing. Nothing. I thought I had time though. I thought that we had time to fix our relationship. I thought I had time to call him dad. I was so damn wrong.
One of our last conversations, I asked him if I was his biggest sin. He said to me "no, mi nina...you are my greatest blessing".
My father died January 1, 1984.
My father died June 28, 2011.
My heart is broken. I have no idea if I will ever be the same. I asked my husband today if he ever thought I would be completely happy again and he said, "yes, of course!". I don't know thought, I don't know if he is right. Who is ever going to love me as much as my father did? Who is going to call me Romita again? Did he die knowing I loved him? God, I would give 10 years off my life for 3 minutes with him. I would beg forgiveness for the years I was stubborn and difficult. I would tell him I loved him, that he never left my prayers, that I was proud to be his daughter. I would call him dad. Over and over again.
I am fighting with publishing this. It is so personal, but you know...I am tired of keeping quiet. My silence in all this has become my cross to bear. My back is growing weak, and my heart is broken...I can no longer carry this burden. I have nothing to hide.
I have had two amazing men call me their daughter. I loved them both. I am my fathers daughter.
love, Romy
Our story isn't one I readily share. I will not give many details, mainly out of respect but also because it is a part of my life that is very personal. Confusing too. I don't know how to act, react, how to feel, what to say. I don't know much of anything at this point.
He loved me a lot. I found out when I was in my 20's that he was my biological father but he had been around my entire life. We looked exactly alike. There are hundreds of pictures of me at his house, of me on his lap as baby/toddler/young child, kissing him, laughing with him, with my older sisters and us. Hundreds. Most of the pictures of him and I, I am looking right at him. I would ask him, "why do you look like me!". He would say in his beautiful speaking voice, "because when you love someone with all your heart, you start to resemble each other". I would laugh and continue to touch his face that was identical to my own. Same lips, same beauty marks, same nose, same eyes, same feet, same hands and even the way we stand. Straight back, head up and looking like there was always purpose to be in that exact spot. He would walk into any room and it would light up. He had a smile that was infectious, everyone says that we have the same smile. I like to think it is true. I adored him. Until I found out he was my biological father. To be honest I think I figured it out a long time before then. Why else the outpouring of unconditional love from a man who was just a family friend? Why did he love my sisters so much? Which btw, they were not his children. The moment I found out he was my biological father something inside me switched off. I felt betrayed. Cheated. What about my beloved father that I grieve and miss daily? What about him? Is he in heaven feeling like I am betraying him? I was lost. There were so many other factors involved that left me reeling. It was too much to absorb so I retreated.
We spoke a few times a year, I would visit him when I was in town, he would write me letters and always tell me how much he loved me. My entire life he would call me honeydew, my pretty, mi nina linda and Romita. I loved him. I loved him more than I thought I did. The last few days I realized that loving him was not a betrayal to anyone. Our situation hurt him even more than it did me. I was too selfish to realize it. He lived knowing he had a daughter that he loved more than anything else in the world and she refused to accept him as her father. Once I found out who he really was, I stopped calling him by any name. Prior to that I called him Tio, which is Spanish for uncle. Once I knew he was my father, I didn't call him anything. I was an asshole. What would it have cost me to call him dad? Nothing. Nothing. I thought I had time though. I thought that we had time to fix our relationship. I thought I had time to call him dad. I was so damn wrong.
One of our last conversations, I asked him if I was his biggest sin. He said to me "no, mi nina...you are my greatest blessing".
My father died January 1, 1984.
My father died June 28, 2011.
My heart is broken. I have no idea if I will ever be the same. I asked my husband today if he ever thought I would be completely happy again and he said, "yes, of course!". I don't know thought, I don't know if he is right. Who is ever going to love me as much as my father did? Who is going to call me Romita again? Did he die knowing I loved him? God, I would give 10 years off my life for 3 minutes with him. I would beg forgiveness for the years I was stubborn and difficult. I would tell him I loved him, that he never left my prayers, that I was proud to be his daughter. I would call him dad. Over and over again.
I am fighting with publishing this. It is so personal, but you know...I am tired of keeping quiet. My silence in all this has become my cross to bear. My back is growing weak, and my heart is broken...I can no longer carry this burden. I have nothing to hide.
I have had two amazing men call me their daughter. I loved them both. I am my fathers daughter.
love, Romy
Thursday, November 10, 2011
Me I was holding, all of my secrets soft and hid
Push-Pull.
Do you go with your plan…the path you know and love, stabilize your emotions to live a fulfilling life full of much love or do you function at full emotional capacity and dive head first into those clouds of what you desire? If you don't will you always wonder? Why can't you have both? Who the hell knows? I know I have a lot to learn. I need to learn patience, how to open up easier, how to learn not to leave when I am hurt/angry/frustrated or at the first hint of boredom. I need to learn there are more important emotions than pride. Like compassion for those who hurt us. Or that there is fulfillment in opening up who you really are…dumping it out on a table in front of the people who matter and let them shift through your thoughts, dreams and emotions. You know all the stuff you keep under lock and key.
You light me up. Electrify me.
I function at full emotional capacity. If I think it, I do it. If I think it, I say it. If I want it, I make it happen. If it burns me, I don't learn my lesson. Ever. I just jump full steam ahead to the next thing. Dive.
Push – Pull.
Does any of this make sense to anyone else but me? God I hope not. That would just make me feel like I'm typical. Nothing worse than typical. Give me insane out of my mind passionate and erratic any single day.
love, Romy
Do you go with your plan…the path you know and love, stabilize your emotions to live a fulfilling life full of much love or do you function at full emotional capacity and dive head first into those clouds of what you desire? If you don't will you always wonder? Why can't you have both? Who the hell knows? I know I have a lot to learn. I need to learn patience, how to open up easier, how to learn not to leave when I am hurt/angry/frustrated or at the first hint of boredom. I need to learn there are more important emotions than pride. Like compassion for those who hurt us. Or that there is fulfillment in opening up who you really are…dumping it out on a table in front of the people who matter and let them shift through your thoughts, dreams and emotions. You know all the stuff you keep under lock and key.
You light me up. Electrify me.
I function at full emotional capacity. If I think it, I do it. If I think it, I say it. If I want it, I make it happen. If it burns me, I don't learn my lesson. Ever. I just jump full steam ahead to the next thing. Dive.
Push – Pull.
Does any of this make sense to anyone else but me? God I hope not. That would just make me feel like I'm typical. Nothing worse than typical. Give me insane out of my mind passionate and erratic any single day.
love, Romy
Wednesday, November 9, 2011
Prayer for Grace
Sometimes it is so hard to live with grace. We all have those days when we want to crawl into bed and stay there until we can breathe again without feeling like whatever is hurting will stifle you. Not talking, not being spoken to, only sound is your own breathing…we have all been there right? But you cannot. You have to wake up and be grateful for the day, get your routine started and hope for the best. So I do. I wake up every morning next to a man who loves me even when I am unlovable and God knows how I love him right back with all that I am. I know without a doubt that I am blessed.
But there are still things that weigh on my heart, no matter how loved I am or how well I can love back. It is amazing to me how something that nourishes us can also destroy us. It seems too cruel to be real. But what can you do? You keep on keeping on, I assume. You bend and contort yourself to make sure you can handle the resistance that sometimes comes with life. I am guessing it is similar to a tree branch that grows heavy with snow. If it bends with the snow it will live to see another summer eventually or it can resist the snow, break and never again know what it will feel like without the extra weight. No sunshine on my face? Not happening. I am going to keep moving, keep my head up and hope for the sun to come back soon. It always does.
I was told once that if you believe you are who you want to be…you will become it. Seems silly, right? I thought so too but it’s true. So today I am going to wish myself whole again. I am going to take some of the pain I am carrying around with me and while I am not going to forget it, because I think we need to always remember pain… I am going to try hard to turn it into joy. I can do that. Right? Yeah, I think I can.
To everyone reading these words that may be hurting over something, either big or small, my heart goes out to you. Nothing worth anything comes without some pain. I wish you grace.
love, Romy
***
Main Entry: 1grace
Pronunciation: \ˈgrās\
Function: noun
Etymology: Middle English, from Anglo-French, from Latin gratia favor, charm, thanks, from gratus pleasing, grateful; akin to Sanskrit gṛṇāti he praises
Date: 12th century
1 a : unmerited divine assistance given humans for their regeneration or sanctification b : a virtue coming from God c : a state of sanctification enjoyed through divine grace
2 a : approval, favor b archaic : mercy, pardon c : a special favor : privilege d : disposition to or an act or instance of kindness, courtesy, or clemency e : a temporary exemption : reprieve
3 a : a charming or attractive trait or characteristic b : a pleasing appearance or effect : charm c : ease and suppleness of movement or bearing
4 —used as a title of address or reference for a duke, a duchess, or an archbishop
5 : a short prayer at a meal asking a blessing or giving thanks
6 plural capitalized : three sister goddesses in Greek mythology who are the givers of charm and beauty
7 : a musical trill, turn, or appoggiatura
8 a : sense of propriety or right b : the quality or state of being considerate or thoughtful
But there are still things that weigh on my heart, no matter how loved I am or how well I can love back. It is amazing to me how something that nourishes us can also destroy us. It seems too cruel to be real. But what can you do? You keep on keeping on, I assume. You bend and contort yourself to make sure you can handle the resistance that sometimes comes with life. I am guessing it is similar to a tree branch that grows heavy with snow. If it bends with the snow it will live to see another summer eventually or it can resist the snow, break and never again know what it will feel like without the extra weight. No sunshine on my face? Not happening. I am going to keep moving, keep my head up and hope for the sun to come back soon. It always does.
I was told once that if you believe you are who you want to be…you will become it. Seems silly, right? I thought so too but it’s true. So today I am going to wish myself whole again. I am going to take some of the pain I am carrying around with me and while I am not going to forget it, because I think we need to always remember pain… I am going to try hard to turn it into joy. I can do that. Right? Yeah, I think I can.
To everyone reading these words that may be hurting over something, either big or small, my heart goes out to you. Nothing worth anything comes without some pain. I wish you grace.
love, Romy
***
Main Entry: 1grace
Pronunciation: \ˈgrās\
Function: noun
Etymology: Middle English, from Anglo-French, from Latin gratia favor, charm, thanks, from gratus pleasing, grateful; akin to Sanskrit gṛṇāti he praises
Date: 12th century
1 a : unmerited divine assistance given humans for their regeneration or sanctification b : a virtue coming from God c : a state of sanctification enjoyed through divine grace
2 a : approval, favor b archaic : mercy, pardon c : a special favor : privilege d : disposition to or an act or instance of kindness, courtesy, or clemency e : a temporary exemption : reprieve
3 a : a charming or attractive trait or characteristic b : a pleasing appearance or effect : charm c : ease and suppleness of movement or bearing
4 —used as a title of address or reference for a duke, a duchess, or an archbishop
5 : a short prayer at a meal asking a blessing or giving thanks
6 plural capitalized : three sister goddesses in Greek mythology who are the givers of charm and beauty
7 : a musical trill, turn, or appoggiatura
8 a : sense of propriety or right b : the quality or state of being considerate or thoughtful
For You, I Would
Aside from my husband there is one man that I am pretty sure could make my world better. He would bring quiet, peace, harmony and joy. Sadly, it will never be because he is far too busy for me...trust me I have tried over and over again to get him to come see me. Nothing works.
Oh Cesar Millan, if life was only different...you would be here with me... helping me teach my pugs to listen, breaking MY bad habits, showing me how to keep them from peeing on my shoes, our couch and my husband's climbing gear. And that was just in one week. You would help me be more strict...keep them from making me their bitch, keep Dudley the black wonder pug from screaming...literally screaming at me if I don't feed him fast enough or take him outside fast enough or let him crawl onto my lap, he makes me feel like I am in an abusive relationship as I scramble around quickly doing his bidding, while I am begging him to stop shrieking. Gracie would stop licking the floor obsessively looking for any crumb, or every dust particle resembling food (trust me, she doesn't need any food at all…she looks like an egg roll with legs) that she can suck down. Hudson would quit running away from me and going into the neighbor's yard to pee on their Virgin Mary statue (Please forgive me for I have sinned, my pugs are monsters that I created).
Yes, I am aware that it is my fault...totally my fault. As I just mentioned they are the monsters I created. They have been kicked out of obedience school a few times for various reasons, reasons that are horrifying but I will share. At 10 lbs, Gracie was humping someone's Rottweiler and refused to stop...if I sat away from them she would howl. I didn't know pugs could howl. :( Dudley marked one instructor and Hudson is just...well he is my very special pug full of very special quirks. It is just painful to keep listing all the reasons we were asked not to come back from different places. Sigh.
The thing is this; they are so cute and loving. I am simply crazy about them and love them to pieces…no matter how bad they are, they look at me with their sweet little squished faces and I melt. I give up. I let Dudley crawl into my lap so he can stop screaming, I give Gracie another treat and I forgive Hudson’s trips into blasphemy and make mental notes to watch for when the neighbors leave next so I can go hose off their Virgin Mary.
Am I without hope? Maybe. Sigh.
I need you Cesar…
love, Romy "Hopeless in Walla Walla"
Oh Cesar Millan, if life was only different...you would be here with me... helping me teach my pugs to listen, breaking MY bad habits, showing me how to keep them from peeing on my shoes, our couch and my husband's climbing gear. And that was just in one week. You would help me be more strict...keep them from making me their bitch, keep Dudley the black wonder pug from screaming...literally screaming at me if I don't feed him fast enough or take him outside fast enough or let him crawl onto my lap, he makes me feel like I am in an abusive relationship as I scramble around quickly doing his bidding, while I am begging him to stop shrieking. Gracie would stop licking the floor obsessively looking for any crumb, or every dust particle resembling food (trust me, she doesn't need any food at all…she looks like an egg roll with legs) that she can suck down. Hudson would quit running away from me and going into the neighbor's yard to pee on their Virgin Mary statue (Please forgive me for I have sinned, my pugs are monsters that I created).
Yes, I am aware that it is my fault...totally my fault. As I just mentioned they are the monsters I created. They have been kicked out of obedience school a few times for various reasons, reasons that are horrifying but I will share. At 10 lbs, Gracie was humping someone's Rottweiler and refused to stop...if I sat away from them she would howl. I didn't know pugs could howl. :( Dudley marked one instructor and Hudson is just...well he is my very special pug full of very special quirks. It is just painful to keep listing all the reasons we were asked not to come back from different places. Sigh.
The thing is this; they are so cute and loving. I am simply crazy about them and love them to pieces…no matter how bad they are, they look at me with their sweet little squished faces and I melt. I give up. I let Dudley crawl into my lap so he can stop screaming, I give Gracie another treat and I forgive Hudson’s trips into blasphemy and make mental notes to watch for when the neighbors leave next so I can go hose off their Virgin Mary.
Am I without hope? Maybe. Sigh.
I need you Cesar…
love, Romy "Hopeless in Walla Walla"
Monday, November 7, 2011
Gulf stream through the open door
I need to learn how to be still. I don’t only mean just stand physically in one spot. No, I mean not let my thoughts run all over the place. Stay in the current moment; enjoy it and take as much from it as I possibly can.
I am not saying that I can’t appreciate the beauty in my life, I can. Or that I am not satisfied because I am pretty easy to please in many aspects. I just am always wanting the next beautiful moment, the next time something or someone takes my breath away. I am the type of person that on our way home from an amazing vacation; I am already talking about where we will go next. It is almost like once the moments pass, I take them and lock them into a heart shaped box and file them away. I will go back, dig out the box and open it again once in a while but typically once a moment turns into a memory I try to move forward. Maybe, I do it much too quickly. It is almost like I have to show my independence to…who knows to who…by saying “okay, done. It is time to move on because I will not get lost in a moment or memory forever!”.
It is exhausting. I am trying to learn that it is okay to stay in that moment, to carry it around with me in my back pocket, to pull it out during those moments that may need a memory and not reality to be able to catch my breath and remind myself that regardless of how tough or crazy things get…there is so much more amazing to be had. It doesn’t mean that I am vulnerable for loving those memories, or for being able to express to someone that I loved our time together. It doesn’t mean that at all.
Do you really get to know who you are if you are constantly on the move, if your head is constantly just full of random thoughts? Aren’t we what we think? And if we are constantly thinking, moving and trying to fill the space in our head...how are we growing and listening to what we need? I guess that is where being still comes in. Trying to still your head from so many things…daily life things, things we want, things we need to do, have to say, should have said, want to do…my God the list goes on and on. I know for me, I have to stop and pay closer attention to the moments I am in if I want to learn what I need.
There is a saying that I love, it says something like “you cannot see your reflection in the running water, only in still water”. I really believe we have to be still to see our own beautiful reflection. After all, it is our right, our entitlement to find beautiful things, memories and moments in our world and hang on to them. In any which way we desire.
Part of the reason I write in this blog is because I need to ask myself questions to things that maybe I know the answers to, but if I write them…if they leave me through my fingertips and they are out there, I have to pay them more mind. Writing clears my head, it allows me to me to say the things I normally would not. Not out of fear, but the things that I am learning to be more open about.
I have written these words before in another blog that I had for a few years but they still ring true for me. I wrote every single hurt, happiness, pain and smile I had during those years. A lot of the time I didn't press publish but I wrote it there. It is a difficult thing to open yourself up and allow others to see you. It is even harder to open yourself up and dump it on the lap of a loved one and friend. I closed that blog because well, it was time. I may copy/paste some of my favorite blogs from over there, and put them here.
Maybe.
Maybe this one will be the one that helps me figure out that whole still thing.
Who knows, maybe just maybe.
love,
Romy
I am not saying that I can’t appreciate the beauty in my life, I can. Or that I am not satisfied because I am pretty easy to please in many aspects. I just am always wanting the next beautiful moment, the next time something or someone takes my breath away. I am the type of person that on our way home from an amazing vacation; I am already talking about where we will go next. It is almost like once the moments pass, I take them and lock them into a heart shaped box and file them away. I will go back, dig out the box and open it again once in a while but typically once a moment turns into a memory I try to move forward. Maybe, I do it much too quickly. It is almost like I have to show my independence to…who knows to who…by saying “okay, done. It is time to move on because I will not get lost in a moment or memory forever!”.
It is exhausting. I am trying to learn that it is okay to stay in that moment, to carry it around with me in my back pocket, to pull it out during those moments that may need a memory and not reality to be able to catch my breath and remind myself that regardless of how tough or crazy things get…there is so much more amazing to be had. It doesn’t mean that I am vulnerable for loving those memories, or for being able to express to someone that I loved our time together. It doesn’t mean that at all.
Do you really get to know who you are if you are constantly on the move, if your head is constantly just full of random thoughts? Aren’t we what we think? And if we are constantly thinking, moving and trying to fill the space in our head...how are we growing and listening to what we need? I guess that is where being still comes in. Trying to still your head from so many things…daily life things, things we want, things we need to do, have to say, should have said, want to do…my God the list goes on and on. I know for me, I have to stop and pay closer attention to the moments I am in if I want to learn what I need.
There is a saying that I love, it says something like “you cannot see your reflection in the running water, only in still water”. I really believe we have to be still to see our own beautiful reflection. After all, it is our right, our entitlement to find beautiful things, memories and moments in our world and hang on to them. In any which way we desire.
Part of the reason I write in this blog is because I need to ask myself questions to things that maybe I know the answers to, but if I write them…if they leave me through my fingertips and they are out there, I have to pay them more mind. Writing clears my head, it allows me to me to say the things I normally would not. Not out of fear, but the things that I am learning to be more open about.
I have written these words before in another blog that I had for a few years but they still ring true for me. I wrote every single hurt, happiness, pain and smile I had during those years. A lot of the time I didn't press publish but I wrote it there. It is a difficult thing to open yourself up and allow others to see you. It is even harder to open yourself up and dump it on the lap of a loved one and friend. I closed that blog because well, it was time. I may copy/paste some of my favorite blogs from over there, and put them here.
Maybe.
Maybe this one will be the one that helps me figure out that whole still thing.
Who knows, maybe just maybe.
love,
Romy
Sunday, October 30, 2011
Love Letter To Music
That song. The ones that make you stop in your tracks. If you are standing, you sit. If you are walking, you stop. If you are talking, you grow quiet. If the volume is low, you turn it up. It reminds you of a former love, a time in your life, a beloved person in your past, a heartbreak, lies you were told, lies you told, happiest time of your life. Regardless of what it reminds you of, it is that song. The one that makes you stop in your tracks.
"Tell the repo man
And the stars above
You're the one I love
You're the one I love
The one I love"
Music is the love you have, the love you fight for, the love you cherish...that you would die for. The love that is true and full of more life than you could have imagined possible.
"Nothing compares
No worries or cares
Regrets and mistakes
They are memories made.
Who would have known how bittersweet this would taste"
Music is the love you had, the love you lost, the love that never truly belonged to you because if it had, it would still be the love you had. It is the love you carry in your heart to remind you to be humble and to nurture the love that now truly belongs to you.
"Es un buen tipo mi viejo
Que anda solo y esperando
Tiene la tristeza larga
De tanto venir andando.
Yo lo miro desde lejos
Pero somos tan distintos
Es que creció con el siglo
Con tranvia y vino tinto.
Viejo mi querido viejo
Ahora ya caminas lento
Como perdonando el viento.
Yo soy tu sangre mi viejo
Soy tu silencio y tu tiempo.
El tiene los ojo buenos"
Music is heartache. It screams at you in the quiet moments, it steals from you over and over again. Reminds you of what you lost. It taunts you with it's ghosts and memories that will never again be yours to hold.
"In the dark of the night I could hear you calling my name
With the hardest of hearts I still feel full of pain
So I drink and I smoke and I ask you if you're ever around
Even though it was me who drove us right in the ground
See the time we shared it was precious to me"
Music is regret. It shames you. It makes you want to hide your face. It reminds you over and over again that you are capable of not just feeling hurt but of causing pain...of not doing the right thing.
"So break me down, if it makes you feel right
And hate me now, if it keeps you all right
You can't break me down if it takes all your might
'Cause I am so much more than meets the eye"
Music reminds you of your worth. It reminds you of who you are. What you are capable of. It keeps your secrets, it speaks to the deepest part of your soul and it reminds you that regardless of anything else, that no one will ever truly comprehend how fucking beautiful and complex you are until you do.
"Tell the repo man
And the stars above
You're the one I love
You're the one I love
The one I love"
Music is the love you have, the love you fight for, the love you cherish...that you would die for. The love that is true and full of more life than you could have imagined possible.
"Nothing compares
No worries or cares
Regrets and mistakes
They are memories made.
Who would have known how bittersweet this would taste"
Music is the love you had, the love you lost, the love that never truly belonged to you because if it had, it would still be the love you had. It is the love you carry in your heart to remind you to be humble and to nurture the love that now truly belongs to you.
"Es un buen tipo mi viejo
Que anda solo y esperando
Tiene la tristeza larga
De tanto venir andando.
Yo lo miro desde lejos
Pero somos tan distintos
Es que creció con el siglo
Con tranvia y vino tinto.
Viejo mi querido viejo
Ahora ya caminas lento
Como perdonando el viento.
Yo soy tu sangre mi viejo
Soy tu silencio y tu tiempo.
El tiene los ojo buenos"
Music is heartache. It screams at you in the quiet moments, it steals from you over and over again. Reminds you of what you lost. It taunts you with it's ghosts and memories that will never again be yours to hold.
With the hardest of hearts I still feel full of pain
So I drink and I smoke and I ask you if you're ever around
Even though it was me who drove us right in the ground
See the time we shared it was precious to me"
Music is regret. It shames you. It makes you want to hide your face. It reminds you over and over again that you are capable of not just feeling hurt but of causing pain...of not doing the right thing.
"So break me down, if it makes you feel right
And hate me now, if it keeps you all right
You can't break me down if it takes all your might
'Cause I am so much more than meets the eye"
Music reminds you of your worth. It reminds you of who you are. What you are capable of. It keeps your secrets, it speaks to the deepest part of your soul and it reminds you that regardless of anything else, that no one will ever truly comprehend how fucking beautiful and complex you are until you do.
Music is a promise. A promise that our feelings swell, stretch...sometimes out of proportion but they rebound in a million different ways. Great highs. Impossible lows. Skin of our emotions. Emotions undulating as quickly as the lyrics, melodies and beats.
It is said that life without music is not worth living. I think that very well might be
true.
love, Romy
Tuesday, October 25, 2011
Signs
Trying to keep things in perspective is a lot harder than it sounds.
I have been spending a lot of time lately doing things that I put off and/or chose to ignore. Aside from cleaning, making phone calls to find someone to come trim our 2 zillion foot tree, going through paperwork I should have already looked at and other thrilling household stuff. I have also been getting back in contact with people who truly matter to me. I suck at keeping in touch. I suck at just moving on without letting people know that I am
1) okay
2) not coming back.
I tend to fall off the face of the earth soo...I am trying to remedy that. I learned this past summer that waiting to fix things is not always a good thing or even feasible.
I spent too much time in the past five years not being true to myself or to people who love me. Thank God every single person welcomed me back with open arms. Fixing it. Working on it. Moving on from things and people that seemed so damn important to me not even a month ago.
Fixing it.
Working on it.
Moving on.
It is pretty amazing how quickly your soul rebounds when you completely shut out what ails you.
Freedom that I never thought I would be able or even want to accomplish. Yeah. It tastes damn sweet.
love, Romy
I have been spending a lot of time lately doing things that I put off and/or chose to ignore. Aside from cleaning, making phone calls to find someone to come trim our 2 zillion foot tree, going through paperwork I should have already looked at and other thrilling household stuff. I have also been getting back in contact with people who truly matter to me. I suck at keeping in touch. I suck at just moving on without letting people know that I am
1) okay
2) not coming back.
I tend to fall off the face of the earth soo...I am trying to remedy that. I learned this past summer that waiting to fix things is not always a good thing or even feasible.
I spent too much time in the past five years not being true to myself or to people who love me. Thank God every single person welcomed me back with open arms. Fixing it. Working on it. Moving on from things and people that seemed so damn important to me not even a month ago.
Fixing it.
Working on it.
Moving on.
It is pretty amazing how quickly your soul rebounds when you completely shut out what ails you.
Freedom that I never thought I would be able or even want to accomplish. Yeah. It tastes damn sweet.
love, Romy
Saturday, October 22, 2011
Flurry Of Flurries
I have been all over etsy and a zillion other paper specialty sites because I decided that I am going to make our Christmas cards this year. Yep, I am gonna! I love love looking at all the different paper and supplies...trying to imagine what I want them to look like. So far this paper is def not going to be used...
I am pretty sure that my inlaws are not ready for vagina rainbow stationary. Plus, vaginas don't really scream Merry Christmas. Or do they? Hmm.
I think I am going to use vellum and either parchment if I can draw something on them that I love and if not just use cardstock and tie it all up with a bow. Stencils on the envelopes and I am way over excited. #toomuchtimeonmyhands.
So yeah, that is one of my goals and I have to have them ready and in the mail by like the third week of next month. Wish me luck. :/
Poor husband, he has no idea that I am about to command the dining room table for the next month or so.
love, Romy
And Off We Go
"Courage does not always roar, sometimes it is the quiet voice at the end of the day saying " I will try again tomorrow" -- Mary Anne Radmacher
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