I need to learn how to be still. I don’t only mean just stand physically in one spot. No, I mean not let my thoughts run all over the place. Stay in the current moment; enjoy it and take as much from it as I possibly can.
I am not saying that I can’t appreciate the beauty in my life, I can. Or that I am not satisfied because I am pretty easy to please in many aspects. I just am always wanting the next beautiful moment, the next time something or someone takes my breath away. I am the type of person that on our way home from an amazing vacation; I am already talking about where we will go next. It is almost like once the moments pass, I take them and lock them into a heart shaped box and file them away. I will go back, dig out the box and open it again once in a while but typically once a moment turns into a memory I try to move forward. Maybe, I do it much too quickly. It is almost like I have to show my independence to…who knows to who…by saying “okay, done. It is time to move on because I will not get lost in a moment or memory forever!”.
It is exhausting. I am trying to learn that it is okay to stay in that moment, to carry it around with me in my back pocket, to pull it out during those moments that may need a memory and not reality to be able to catch my breath and remind myself that regardless of how tough or crazy things get…there is so much more amazing to be had. It doesn’t mean that I am vulnerable for loving those memories, or for being able to express to someone that I loved our time together. It doesn’t mean that at all.
Do you really get to know who you are if you are constantly on the move, if your head is constantly just full of random thoughts? Aren’t we what we think? And if we are constantly thinking, moving and trying to fill the space in our head...how are we growing and listening to what we need? I guess that is where being still comes in. Trying to still your head from so many things…daily life things, things we want, things we need to do, have to say, should have said, want to do…my God the list goes on and on. I know for me, I have to stop and pay closer attention to the moments I am in if I want to learn what I need.
There is a saying that I love, it says something like “you cannot see your reflection in the running water, only in still water”. I really believe we have to be still to see our own beautiful reflection. After all, it is our right, our entitlement to find beautiful things, memories and moments in our world and hang on to them. In any which way we desire.
Part of the reason I write in this blog is because I need to ask myself questions to things that maybe I know the answers to, but if I write them…if they leave me through my fingertips and they are out there, I have to pay them more mind. Writing clears my head, it allows me to me to say the things I normally would not. Not out of fear, but the things that I am learning to be more open about.
I have written these words before in another blog that I had for a few years but they still ring true for me. I wrote every single hurt, happiness, pain and smile I had during those years. A lot of the time I didn't press publish but I wrote it there. It is a difficult thing to open yourself up and allow others to see you. It is even harder to open yourself up and dump it on the lap of a loved one and friend. I closed that blog because well, it was time. I may copy/paste some of my favorite blogs from over there, and put them here.
Maybe.
Maybe this one will be the one that helps me figure out that whole still thing.
Who knows, maybe just maybe.
love,
Romy
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