I'm mildly neurotic. Okay, not mildly. I need everything a certain way or I can't stop obsessing over it. Oh, obsessing. Another thing I do. I can't help it. Once I get an idea in my head I am just 100% dedicated. I jump right in and it becomes life or death. Wait, I was talking about how neurotic I am. I like things just so. I will lay in bed and worry about the most random things that I didn't do that day. Big things. Little things. Doesn't matter. When I wake up in the morning the first thing I do is go around the house and look for things out of order and fix them. I already know what they are though bc when I went to bed the night before I was aware of them.
I need a switch off button for my brain.
Isn't it amazing how every single day we have an opportunity to be a better version of ourselves? Like maybe tomorrow I will wake up and will no longer tuck my hair behind my ears when I am nervous. Or maybe I won't have a slight lisp on words that begin with S. Oooo, maybe I will finally make the perfect pancakes, which for some annoying reason totally eludes me.
I could finally sign up for some art classes that I have wanted to take for a long time. Maybe I can learn how to say I love you in 10 different languages. Why 10? Why not?
Or you know, I could schedule a visit to see my family. Maybe call my father's family and tell them I am thinking about them. I could call my best friend and catch up with her.
I will try not to pull my sweater sleeves over my hands when I become nervous or tap my fingertips lightly against my head when I am thinking or making a decision about something serious.
Maybe I will dedicate my entire day to my husband and letting him know how much I love him. He should know already though since I spent most of today serenading him with ridiculous songs. It wasn't pretty but I am sure it is the thought that counts. Oh, I can sign up for singing lessons!
Or maybe I will fix some wrongs. Yeah. I can fix some wrongs.
Really though, what I want to do...what I should do is just be thankful for 2011 and while I had really low lows, I had beautiful highs. I laughed so much. I loved and was loved. Adored really. I lost some friends but I learned who my real friends were. I fell in love over and over again with the most wonderful man. I grew closer to my family. I reconnected with beloved friends. I was told that my life span was going to be 35-55% shorter than people without some of my health issues and I made peace with it but only because I refuse to believe it. I lost my birth father but I learned that I am capable of unconditional love and that real love lasts - death be damned. I made a lot of mistakes but I learned from them. I paid the price for them. I took easy roads and really, really tough roads. I did a lot this year. I loved a lot this year. I learned the hard way that life is fleeting and to love good and often. I tried to do the right things, fix my wrongs. I am learning how to live with consequences of my actions. I am learning. I am.
2011 was a tough one, but well..I was tougher <3.
love, Romy
Friday, December 30, 2011
Sunday, December 25, 2011
Your First Christmas in Heaven
Merry Christmas, I pray you are looking down on me from heaven with a big, beautiful smile on your face. I love you.
I am having my first Christmas in Heaven
A glorious, wonderful day!
I am standing with saints of all ages,
Who found Christ, the truth and the way
I am singing with the heavenly choir
I- who so loved to sing!
And, oh what celestial music
We bring to our Savior and King
I am singing the glad song of redemption,
How Jesus to Bethlehem came,
And why they called His name Jesus,
That all may be saved through His Name!
Oh, loved one, I wish you could be here!
No Christmas on earth can compare,
With all of the rapture in glory,
I witness in Heaven so fair!
You know how I always loved Christmas,
It seemed such a wonderful day,
With all of my loved ones around me,
We were so happy in every way.
Yes, now I can see why I loved it,
And, oh what a joy it will be,
When all of my loved ones are with me,
To share all the glories I see!
So, dear ones on earth, I send greetings,
Look up! Til dawning appears,
And, oh what a Christmas awaits us,
Beyond all our partings and tears!
Anonymous
I am having my first Christmas in Heaven
A glorious, wonderful day!
I am standing with saints of all ages,
Who found Christ, the truth and the way
I am singing with the heavenly choir
I- who so loved to sing!
And, oh what celestial music
We bring to our Savior and King
I am singing the glad song of redemption,
How Jesus to Bethlehem came,
And why they called His name Jesus,
That all may be saved through His Name!
Oh, loved one, I wish you could be here!
No Christmas on earth can compare,
With all of the rapture in glory,
I witness in Heaven so fair!
You know how I always loved Christmas,
It seemed such a wonderful day,
With all of my loved ones around me,
We were so happy in every way.
Yes, now I can see why I loved it,
And, oh what a joy it will be,
When all of my loved ones are with me,
To share all the glories I see!
So, dear ones on earth, I send greetings,
Look up! Til dawning appears,
And, oh what a Christmas awaits us,
Beyond all our partings and tears!
Anonymous
Friday, December 23, 2011
The Difference Is
Do you love the best you can? Fearlessly, without worries or concern for what it may do to your heart? With a childlike abandon that doesn't let you think about the possibility that one day you may ache?
Recklessly. Stupidly? Blindly?
Give your heart and do it without fear.
Me? Only way I know how to love. I love hard.
I never learn my lesson and I pray to God I never do.
love, Romy
Recklessly. Stupidly? Blindly?
Give your heart and do it without fear.
Me? Only way I know how to love. I love hard.
I never learn my lesson and I pray to God I never do.
love, Romy
Thursday, December 8, 2011
50 Ways
that moment that can change so much. that moment right before you jump. give so much of yourself. more than you can afford to lose. you say - it will be fine. it is. better thn fine. more. more. more. push/pull. push/pull. more to lose. unintended words. undeveloped story. acquired taste for a mistake. my own mistakes. idealize. escalate. escalate.
first taste. words you said. faith in you. fingertips to lips. it's still okay. unintended words. written words cannot be erased or blown away into the wind. make a fuss about little things. spin spin collect speed. laugh till you hiccup. don't speak the words you mean, speak the ones you think you should mean. say it till you think you mean it. no one. not true. you? me. tell your plan. make me understand. whisper it in my ear. i will listen. i hear all your words. impact. familiar to me. i know you by heart. i don't know you at all. stranger. uncertain method. think too much. you say too little. i write. you know i write. i know you think. too much. i know you.
so that moment before you jump. go back to that moment. would you stop if you could? me? fuck no. jump but try to keep your eyes open this time. next time? no. time's up. but it is still okay.
love, Romy
first taste. words you said. faith in you. fingertips to lips. it's still okay. unintended words. written words cannot be erased or blown away into the wind. make a fuss about little things. spin spin collect speed. laugh till you hiccup. don't speak the words you mean, speak the ones you think you should mean. say it till you think you mean it. no one. not true. you? me. tell your plan. make me understand. whisper it in my ear. i will listen. i hear all your words. impact. familiar to me. i know you by heart. i don't know you at all. stranger. uncertain method. think too much. you say too little. i write. you know i write. i know you think. too much. i know you.
so that moment before you jump. go back to that moment. would you stop if you could? me? fuck no. jump but try to keep your eyes open this time. next time? no. time's up. but it is still okay.
love, Romy
Wednesday, December 7, 2011
Imagine how the world would be
Sometimes it is okay to:
• Stay in your pjs all day and watch Lifetime
• Occasionally spend hours laughing at Youtube videos
• Have jelly beans for lunch
• Dislike someone for no other reason than you just do
• Say “because I said so” and believe 100% that it is a good enough reply
• Curse like a trucker while looking like a lady
• Believe what you want to believe, leave reality for another day
• Have an opinion that you have formed with nothing to back it up…just because and stick to it
• Be a full fledged snob about certain things
• Adamantly believe that your opinion should matter to everyone
• Once in a while spend too much money buying frivolous things online
• Order a large mocha chocolate shake when you are feeling blah
• Order a large mocha chocolate shake when you are feeling happy
• Listen to country music and know all the words *don’t judge me*
• Wish you had done certain things a bit differently in life
• Accept your faults and realize they make up who you are
• Have a broken heart
• Kiss your animals on the lips, germs be damned
• Wonder why people you don’t even know, worry about what you do
• Crawl into your husband’s/boyfriend’s lap and ask to just be held
• Have a pity party for yourself, by yourself…corner booth, by the window
• Admit you aren’t as strong as you pretend to be
• Trust everyone, regardless of naysayers or how you have been hurt in the past
• Dance around the house really badly to songs that remind you of being 16 yo
• Next time your spouse asks you what is for dinner, tell them “me” and mean it
• Know you are pretty and be proud of the person you are – that one is ALWAYS okay
• Just listen…not say a word and listen so you can hear between the lines
• Eat in bed while watching really bad movies
• Think about sex while at church
• Be snarky
• Miss him/her
• Write down whatever you are feeling, hit draft, revisit it at a later date when you are feeling better, and quickly hit delete
• Write down whatever you are feeling, hit send - send it into the universe and hope for the best
• Fake it
• Spend an entire day reading and doing nothing else
• Miss your parents, regardless of how old you are
• Explore something that scares you
• Take a break
• Get really angry over something you cannot help
• Ask God, universe, or whomever you believe in being your greater power for help and guidance
• Simply sigh instead of answer someone
• Leave a difficult situation unresolved, just walk away from it
• Drunk dial/text/email/message
• Be okay with not understanding everything about a situation, sometimes understanding just enough is just right
• Let go
• Stop in the middle of a raging fight and just kiss him/her
• Give in
• Admit that none of the songs you blog are random and each is for a reason
• Be afraid
• Say the hell with it…and just try regardless of anything but what you want
• Be selfish
• Love too much
love, Romy
• Stay in your pjs all day and watch Lifetime
• Occasionally spend hours laughing at Youtube videos
• Have jelly beans for lunch
• Dislike someone for no other reason than you just do
• Say “because I said so” and believe 100% that it is a good enough reply
• Curse like a trucker while looking like a lady
• Believe what you want to believe, leave reality for another day
• Have an opinion that you have formed with nothing to back it up…just because and stick to it
• Be a full fledged snob about certain things
• Adamantly believe that your opinion should matter to everyone
• Once in a while spend too much money buying frivolous things online
• Order a large mocha chocolate shake when you are feeling blah
• Order a large mocha chocolate shake when you are feeling happy
• Listen to country music and know all the words *don’t judge me*
• Wish you had done certain things a bit differently in life
• Accept your faults and realize they make up who you are
• Have a broken heart
• Kiss your animals on the lips, germs be damned
• Wonder why people you don’t even know, worry about what you do
• Crawl into your husband’s/boyfriend’s lap and ask to just be held
• Have a pity party for yourself, by yourself…corner booth, by the window
• Admit you aren’t as strong as you pretend to be
• Trust everyone, regardless of naysayers or how you have been hurt in the past
• Dance around the house really badly to songs that remind you of being 16 yo
• Next time your spouse asks you what is for dinner, tell them “me” and mean it
• Know you are pretty and be proud of the person you are – that one is ALWAYS okay
• Just listen…not say a word and listen so you can hear between the lines
• Eat in bed while watching really bad movies
• Think about sex while at church
• Be snarky
• Miss him/her
• Write down whatever you are feeling, hit draft, revisit it at a later date when you are feeling better, and quickly hit delete
• Write down whatever you are feeling, hit send - send it into the universe and hope for the best
• Fake it
• Spend an entire day reading and doing nothing else
• Miss your parents, regardless of how old you are
• Explore something that scares you
• Take a break
• Get really angry over something you cannot help
• Ask God, universe, or whomever you believe in being your greater power for help and guidance
• Simply sigh instead of answer someone
• Leave a difficult situation unresolved, just walk away from it
• Drunk dial/text/email/message
• Be okay with not understanding everything about a situation, sometimes understanding just enough is just right
• Let go
• Stop in the middle of a raging fight and just kiss him/her
• Give in
• Admit that none of the songs you blog are random and each is for a reason
• Be afraid
• Say the hell with it…and just try regardless of anything but what you want
• Be selfish
• Love too much
love, Romy
Monday, December 5, 2011
We Are All Stardust
I have had journals nearly my entire life. I write all my secrets in there. I can go back as far as 30 years, which is insane and really funny to read. They start out with how much I love Gilligan's Island, how my little brothers annoy me and silly things that are of the utmost importance to an 8 year old. Oh and how I was going to marry Bo Duke. Don't judge.
Around January of 1984 they cease to be funny. You see, that is when my dad died. It is heartbreaking to read all the emotions I was feeling...to read the words of a child making promises to whomever would listen to bring her father back. I would write down dreams that he was in, write letters to him, I would ask him questions...like what heaven was like, who would walk me down the aisle, could he see me, would he help me study for my spelling test and did he forgive me for hating God. When I found out my dad died is the moment I decided to hate God. It didn't bode well with the fact that I went to a Catholic school and we had to attend mass weekly. I would go because I had to and the entire time I would be so angry that I couldn't stand it. It took years for me to finally let go of the anger. My journal never judged me.
I wrote about my first crush, Brenden Allen, in much detail. Right down to the fact that he never brushed his unruly red hair and it was almost a deal breaker when he asked me to be his girlfriend. I wrote about my big move from NJ to Southern CA to live with my older sister right after my father passed away and how excited I was. I thought for sure I was going to be discovered. Pfth.
It is all there...my first kiss, first day of high school, crying over silly boys, laughing with friends, trouble I got into, teachers that were Satan, my first car, complaining about rules I could not understand, equal entries whining and adoring my sister and brother in law who raised me, friends I thought I would know forever and what college I wanted to go to. Journals followed me through my first huge heartbreak after dating someone for nearly 7 years...reading the angst I felt back then made me sad for that girl and thankful for both of us that we didn't stay together. Finishing school, first real job working as a counselor, moving from Southern CA to the east coast. Reconnecting with my mother and younger siblings. Trying so hard to fix years of absence. Reading my journals are like a travel through time.
Most importantly though are the entries from the last few years. Learning how to love another with all your heart and soul. Giving in to something bigger then I could have ever imagined. I love love reading about us in the early days of our marriage. We had a whirlwind relationship so I really didn't know all his likes and dislikes. Dinners were a hit or miss. He never complained though. He ate whatever I put in front of him. Poor guy. Our first time camping, I wore Victoria's Secret silk pjs. I wasn't trying to be all sexy, I just thought..hey they are pants..they will keep me warm. City girl. The first time we went hiking, I wore Coach boots. They ended up muddy and ruined. City girl. No matter what I do/did or how crazy I make him...every single night he tells me he loves me and we sleep touching. That of course is all written in my journal.
A blog feels like cheating. My sweet journals...the dozens that I own....will you forgive me if once in a while I share some of my secrets I tell you with my blog?
*******************
I still write in my journals, there is nothing like taking pen to paper and spending time writing things out that you would not dare say out loud. Blogging lets me open up a bit more. It takes a while for me to open up and really get to know someone. Sometimes a really long time. I am always grateful for the people who realize this and wait around for me to let my walls down.
love, Romy
Around January of 1984 they cease to be funny. You see, that is when my dad died. It is heartbreaking to read all the emotions I was feeling...to read the words of a child making promises to whomever would listen to bring her father back. I would write down dreams that he was in, write letters to him, I would ask him questions...like what heaven was like, who would walk me down the aisle, could he see me, would he help me study for my spelling test and did he forgive me for hating God. When I found out my dad died is the moment I decided to hate God. It didn't bode well with the fact that I went to a Catholic school and we had to attend mass weekly. I would go because I had to and the entire time I would be so angry that I couldn't stand it. It took years for me to finally let go of the anger. My journal never judged me.
I wrote about my first crush, Brenden Allen, in much detail. Right down to the fact that he never brushed his unruly red hair and it was almost a deal breaker when he asked me to be his girlfriend. I wrote about my big move from NJ to Southern CA to live with my older sister right after my father passed away and how excited I was. I thought for sure I was going to be discovered. Pfth.
It is all there...my first kiss, first day of high school, crying over silly boys, laughing with friends, trouble I got into, teachers that were Satan, my first car, complaining about rules I could not understand, equal entries whining and adoring my sister and brother in law who raised me, friends I thought I would know forever and what college I wanted to go to. Journals followed me through my first huge heartbreak after dating someone for nearly 7 years...reading the angst I felt back then made me sad for that girl and thankful for both of us that we didn't stay together. Finishing school, first real job working as a counselor, moving from Southern CA to the east coast. Reconnecting with my mother and younger siblings. Trying so hard to fix years of absence. Reading my journals are like a travel through time.
Most importantly though are the entries from the last few years. Learning how to love another with all your heart and soul. Giving in to something bigger then I could have ever imagined. I love love reading about us in the early days of our marriage. We had a whirlwind relationship so I really didn't know all his likes and dislikes. Dinners were a hit or miss. He never complained though. He ate whatever I put in front of him. Poor guy. Our first time camping, I wore Victoria's Secret silk pjs. I wasn't trying to be all sexy, I just thought..hey they are pants..they will keep me warm. City girl. The first time we went hiking, I wore Coach boots. They ended up muddy and ruined. City girl. No matter what I do/did or how crazy I make him...every single night he tells me he loves me and we sleep touching. That of course is all written in my journal.
A blog feels like cheating. My sweet journals...the dozens that I own....will you forgive me if once in a while I share some of my secrets I tell you with my blog?
*******************
I still write in my journals, there is nothing like taking pen to paper and spending time writing things out that you would not dare say out loud. Blogging lets me open up a bit more. It takes a while for me to open up and really get to know someone. Sometimes a really long time. I am always grateful for the people who realize this and wait around for me to let my walls down.
love, Romy
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