I have been feeling so fantastic lately. Better than I have in years, if I was to be honest. Physically I am so much stronger then I was a few years ago, I haven't felt this great since ...ugh, a long time.
I also have guilt about it. I read RA boards and 90% of them are in so much pain. They can't walk, they can barely type, they for sure can't exercise, simple things like cooking or doing laundry are beyond anything they can do. I read a post yesterday about how someone could not wait to share with everyone where to find the longest straws so that they can drink without having to lift their glasses. You would not believe how thrilled people were for the information. It broke my heart for them.
Why? Well, because I can lift my glass, I haven't had to think about anything like that in years. I can not only walk but I can run...and I do nearly every single day. I walk my three dogs for a mile or more daily. I run up and down our stairs to do laundry at least 4x a week, I cook several meals a week, I can dance, lift anything, turn any knob or open lids, I can do push ups and sit ups. I can sleep on an air mattress on the floor during any weather on a camping trip, wake up and feel great. I can swing on a swing while pumping my legs furiously to try to get higher than Troy. I laugh a lot too. Constantly. I live my life outside of RA. I am planning on running several races this year and am even doing some half marathons in CA with my older sister and a bunch of girlfriends. Next year I am doing a triathlon with my husband. Those are my goals. These are the things I train for every single day, my hopes. I plan weekend trips with my husband. We schedule hikes to the top of peaks. We run around the house being insanely silly without ever being scared that I will get hurt. I stand up for hours in the kitchen cooking new dishes for us nearly every day. I thrive every single day.
The guilt of being able to feel this good is something I think about. I read these people's words...they are pleading for relief, they are praying for the answer to a life without pain, they are trying to hold on to their dignity as they lose further use of their limbs. Some are so angry, others are broken and several seem without hope. It is just heart wrenching and I ask myself -"why is that not me?". Is it because I am diligent about my medication? Can't be...because they are too. Is it because I eat very well? So do a lot of them. Is it the meds I take? Several take the same shot as I do. I don't know what it is. I don't know why I am doing so well. Trust me, this fucking disease has brought me to my knees several times. I have been furious with my body for failing me. Furious at every single person who ran past our home while I was on the couch praying for relief. I have had countless days where I laid in bed and prayed to not wake up the next morning because the pain was too much. I have literally screamed in pain when just trying to stand or sit. My hands have been so swollen that they failed to pick anything up. My husband hugging me caused me anxiety because it hurt so badly. But now...now I am in remission. I know I am not cured. There is no cure but God, do I feel great. Why did I get the golden ticket? Some of these people have been in so much pain for years, decades...even longer. I was in major pain for the first year after being diagnosed and after that it came in waves while my meds were sorted out. So many never ever get any relief. Here I am able to function as if I don't have this horrible disease. Don't get me wrong, I am so damn grateful and even more importantly...I am aware that it could last another month or forever. No one knows for sure. The only thing that I do know is that I will never be disabled, disfigured or lose ability to use my limbs. That right there is pure and simple dumb luck. I knew enough of my body to know when something wasn't right and went to the dr. right away. Treatment starting at the very start of my condition made all the difference in the universe. For me. Not for everyone. Pure and dumb luck.
I woke up this morning and felt a bit of pain in my left leg. I thought, omg no...it's back. After the morning brain fog lifted, I realized that no...it was just muscle pain from exercising.
love,
Romy
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