I never, ever take one step for granted. Running is a passion for me, not just a "race" or a look at what I can do...it is a gift that I never forget to be grateful for. I may not always be able to run but I will always remember the feeling of freedom in every stride, the feeling of happiness each time my foot hits the pavement.
I can't sleep. This is not a new thing, I have been having a hard time sleeping for nearly 6 months now. I go to bed with my husband and I end up laying there for hours after he has already fallen asleep. I stare at the ceiling, I read my Kindle, listen to my iPod, read the news on my droid, play Angry Birds and try not to be jealous of how soundly my husband can sleep. The thing is, I am tired...but I can't sleep.
I have tried everything that you can possibly imagine to try to make me sleep but nothing works. I mentioned it when I went to see my dr. and she recommended sleeping pills but ugh, I hate to take medication unless I really have to. I eventually fall asleep around 2am or so but I like to wake up rather early so it is never enough sleep. I don't nap too often so you would think I would be exhausted come bed time, right? Wrong! I am also rarely ever tired during the day and typically have all sorts of energy.
So what I do is, lay in bed and come up with things I want to or try. I check off things on my mental To-Do list. I add things to my mental To-Do list. I end up jumping on my Kindle to look stuff up, wake up Troy to tell him about random things I think we should do, take notes on my droid and I eventually wear myself out. Eventually. Not before I think too much. Way too much thinking. I try to fight the urge to get out of bed because I tell myself that if I am laying down, I will fall asleep. Pfth. Tonight I decided to not fight it, jumped out of bed and came to write a blog about how I can't sleep.
Spring cleaning is not just for the house! I have been sorting through various aspects of my life, trying to figure out what to change, get rid of and focus more on.
I decided that I have a lot of work to do. To start with, I am needing to take a break from social media, ie - FB and things similar to that. It just takes up so much of my time and the reality is that with warm weather coming - I just rather be outdoors or focusing on bettering myself. I am pretty obsessed with only wanting to spend time on positive things that will benefit me physically, mentally or emotionally. While I adore my family and friends, FB is just a huge time waster for me. I can easily pick up the phone and call or send text messages. I have so many different races and a few triathlons I want to do within the next year, I want to re-sculpt my body to make it as efficient as possible. I want to be ready so if/when I fall out of remission that I don't think, "I wish I had done more when I was pain-free". I have been working out quite a bit but I want to do more. I am also fully committed to a 100% plant based diet on top of everything else and that takes time! Sometimes I feel like I am in a race against time because I don't know for sure when or if I will wake up one morning and be unable to function without a lot of pain. So maybe it is more like a race against my own body. I want to gulp in as much life as I possibly can. No one can know for sure what tomorrow brings, I am aware of that. I just also know for a fact that I don't want to waste any time, not anymore. The bottom line is I just want to enjoy every minute I can, out in the sun by myself and with my husband. Enjoy evenings at home with just him...not on a computer or cell. Plus, I have three little roly poly pugs who insist my arms be free as often as possible when I am home!
I love blogging and I don't think I could ever stop, but it isn't the same as it doesn't take up huge chunks of time. I suffer from not being able to do anything without obsessing. I get an idea and that's it. I take it and run. It becomes a huge focus in my life and before I know it, I am totally swept up.
Speaking of swept up, photography is my newest thing. Be prepared for a lot more pics! See that? I replace one obsession with another. Ah, life.
Ack! I have been so busy lately that I have sort of forgotten about my little blog!
On top of the bazillion things I have been busy with, my husband and I started a 365 pic a day blog. One of us has been posting an image once a day for the last 29 days and will continue to do so for the next 336 days. I tend to ramble when I post a pic while Troy is the more silent type :). Check out the Day 1 blog for more info.
Anyway, here is the link if you want to check it out!
I spend too much time trying not to think about it. I spend so much time trying not to think about it that I end up thinking about it even more. So I tell myself, "it isn't worth thinking about it, just stop!" I end up doubling the amount of time I think about it by trying not to think about it.
Hopeless. Just like it.
You'll never see the courage I know
Its colors' richness won't appear within your view
I'll never glow - the way that you glow
Your presence dominates the judgements made on you
But as the scenery grows, I see in different lights
The shades and shadows undulate in my perception
My feelings swell and stretch; I see from greater heights
I understand what I am still too proud to mention - to you
You'll say you understand, but You don't understand
You'll say you'd never give up seeing eye to eye
But never is a promise, and you can't afford to lie
You'll never touch - these things that I hold
The skin of my emotions lies beneath my own
You'll never feel the heat of this soul
My fever burns me deeper than I've ever shown - to you
You'll say, Don't fear your dreams, it's easier than it seems
You'll say you'd never let me fall from hopes so high
But never is a promise and you can't afford to lie
You'll never live the life that I live
I'll never live the life that wakes me in the night
You'll never hear the message I give
You'll say it looks as though I might give up this fight
But as the scenery grows, I see in different lights
The shades and shadows undulate in my perception
My feelings swell and stretch, I see from greater heights
I realize what I am now too smart to mention - to you
You'll say you understand, you'll never understand
I'll say I'll never wake up knowing how or why
I don't know what to believe in, you don't know who I am
You'll say I need appeasing when I start to cry
But never is a promise and I'll never need a lie
When you realize that someone you loved has become someone you used to know...
You learn to cope, you make changes to your life. You no longer go to them for support, friendship, advice, love or whatever it was that they were adding to your every day. You move on. Eventually over time it becomes a distant memory. You start to forget what it was like when they were there. When they were the person you went to for ^^ that stuff up there.
How long does it take? A month? Four months? Is there a formula on how to forget someone who you shared a part of yourself with? Nope. Not so much.
So you move on. Stop yourself from reaching for them. Tell yourself that you will be fine, just fine. Right? Right.
I have been accused of being a dreamer my entire life. I usually take it as a compliment, because even if I choose the hard road, I typically end up at my destination. Insanity or tenacity? Who knows but it works for me.
If I could focus on one thing at one time instead of juggling a billion ideas at the same time, life would be so much easier. So much. Maybe not as fun though.
